Spowcan, WA – Members of the Big Tree Rod & Gun Club met last week to determine the fate of another member. James VanMikal claims that the club is unfairly targeting him because of his recent winning streak. The entire benchrest shooting community eagerly waits for the mailed club newsletter to announce his fate.
Benchrest Controversy and Conflict
VanMikal wins a lot. Like, a lot. The other local benchrest guys haven’t beaten him since before the Digital Video Disk was first released. If you’re 80 years old and running out of time to win, that will piss you off. Indeed, it has. Every single one of the 11 benchrest shooters at BTRGC signed a formal Declaration of Upsettedness against VanMikal. As a result, the club elders convened a Council of Wisdom to decide his fate.
The Council of Wisdom
The Council is an ancient tradition of benchrest shooters– it’s almost as old as the shooters themselves. It begins with a one week fasting from the local newspaper. After that, members spend several days at the early bird buffet at Country Kitchen discussing the hearsay facts at hand. Ultimately, they cast votes by means of placing nearly imperceptible flaws into a round from their most recent test load. The Grand Metrologist then reads those flaws to interpret the voting result.
“We respect the ancient traditions we invented to keep younger less patient people out of this sport” said the Grand Metrologist. “Those young folks with kids in highschool have no respect for the time and attention to detail this sport requires!”
As a result of the Council, VanMikal will be marred slightly on his ogive with a 0.001″ impression. Additionally, his head will be canted out of concentricity with the rest of his spine by 0.15 degrees. This punishment will make him unsuitable for use in benchrest competitions. No worse punishment has ever been given in the history of the BTRGC.
Other clubs are already reacting to the verdict. “We are deeply saddened that the verdict was so strict” said Bringham Marmudack. “Two people, nearly half our club, has passed away this past decade. If we keep scaring away the newly retired kids, we’ll never survive.”
Another club called for more punishment. “He should have been executed! No one needs to win that many times!! I WANNA WIN, DAMMIT!!” The interview had to be stopped due to a medical emergency, after this club representative stood up and fell from his wheelchair.