Burytown, AR – In a move praised by shitty shooters worldwide, the ITPA (International Tactical Pistol Association) announces today new rules for pro shooters. These new rules are designed to level the playing field with the average ITPA shooter. However, the rules are not without controversy, of course.
The New Rules
Effective immediately, any hits outside of the Down Zero zone will earn an PE for pro shooters. The reasoning for this is, at best, mildly insane. “Pro shooters can shoot really good, and they can do other things good, too”. ITPA Supreme Commandant Royce Wilton explained about the new rules. “We want people to have fun, but losing isn’t fun. Those ‘pro shooters’ and people who practice make it harder for normal members.”
When asked to define a “pro shooter,” SuprmComdt Wilton said “any one of those shooters with a YouTube video or a kydex holster. Anyone who isn’t obese is a pro shooter, too.” She later explained that the provision of cookies at matches helps “pro shooters” become normies.
The exact rules are subjective. Essentially any hit outside of the Down Zero will be a PE for the fast shooters. For example, take a CoF that requires two hits to the body and one to the head. If a pro accidentally puts three in the body, then they earned Miss AND a PE. If they are an Expert or above, then the SO may optionally assign an FTDR, too. The reasoning is because a pro shooter shouldn’t ever miss a shot, so the Safety Officer can assume it was an intentional act.
Many shooters think the rules are too strict. “I actually practice this shit” said local grumpy pants Mark Linoliumchak. “Bunch of damned cry babies and snowflakes in this sport just trying to win by rules changes instead of shooting. The most tactical thing these people do is roll out of bed.”
National phenom Shart Martinez fears for the future of the sport. “This is the reason that all the good shooters leave for actual shooting organizations.” Martinez heads up the popular Training Evolutions Tactical Training Masters company. “If people can’t get the real training form the ITPA, in the way that the flounders intended, then they’ll go elsewhere. Maybe they’ll even create their own tactical training evolutions.”
Other shooters welcome the change. “I can finally compete on level terms!” Exclaimed quadriparetic Pete Petersonton. “I never dreamed I’d be able to keep pace with the pro shooters. With these new rules, I finally am winning HOA!” Unfortunately for him, there are already rumors about pending rules changes that will give PEs to people using “ground traction and stability devices” which would include motorized wheelchairs.
These new “pro shooter” rules come despite recent policy changes from ITPD HQ, a sister organization of the ITPA. The policy changes require public notification and a reduced frequency of changes to the rulebook. ITPA Leadership would only give one comment about the irony, saying “this is what the founders intended.”