Dallas, TX – A leader of the local Open Carry Texas needed hospitalization after participating in a weekend rally. T.J. Gershim suffered non-life threatening injuries after collapsing at the top of the stairs of the local municipal center, where the rally took place.
Witnesses said that Gershim collapsed after ascending the 13 steps in front of the building. “I seen him wheezing, when he wasn’t making a kind uh snortin sound” said fellow activist Billy Bob Billison. “He done leaned on his Kel-Tec KSG, but then it broke and he felt onto it.” Paramedics reported that Billison’s abdomen was pierced over 8″ deep by a part of the broken KSG, which was far short of penetrating into the abdominal cavity. Only superficial lipid pockets were “damaged” by the fall.
Pretending to be military members, the others in OCT attempted to help by wrapping a makeshift tourniquet around the abdominal wound. Others destroyed a nearby garden decoration to fashion a field expedient stretcher to carry out the injured man. The stretcher collapsed before being lifted to carrying height. “The tourniquet did more harm then the initial injury” said one paramedic. “A tourniquet on an abdominal wound… I mean c’mon, even the Cub Scouts aren’t that fucking stupid!”
A History of Pain
This marks the fourth incident this year in which an Open Carry activist has required medical attention at a rally. Last month at a local coffee shop, one activist demanded emergency care after sitting near the window too long. He claimed to have experienced second degree burns from the sunlight on his basement-white skin. A lawsuit is still pending in that case, claiming negligence against the coffee shop’s owners. The plaintiff alleges that “they should know that sunlight is harmful to people like me. My mom knows to keep the curtains shut during the day, so should they!”
Weapons of War
Many bystanders feel that the Open Carry movement is a hostile organization. Members openly handle and point their weapons around while walking through peaceful places. “We got Kimbers and Kel-Tecs and Diamondbacks, and any number of Kaniks, too. Some even spend the extra money to buy Glocks and stuff” one activist said. He pointed to a few of his many accessories, including an Uncle Mike’s holster zip-tied to his webbed belt.
Others feel differently. “My husband pissed himself when he saw those assault rifles outside the store” said Beverly Crimm. “He’s been struggling to beat the new Battlefield game, and seeing those same rifles really affected him.” Mrs. Crimm worries that she’ll have to pay the entire piss cleaning fee herself.
Hiram Wilmot, prior Gulf War veteran had this to say about OCT “Look at these idiots trying to play Army. All of them to fat or dumb to actually enlist. Bet these dumb asses would have a lot “flat feet” or be conscious objectors if there was draft today; fucking pussies. They wanna run around trying to be SEALS when they are more WALRUS. Who the hell goes to get coffee carrying an AR-15? I really wanna take that rifle and shove it up ol’ Bubbah’s ass. “
“We’re not aware of any significant rally” said a local representative. “I heard that some people showed up outside the old government building, but that’s been closed for 23 years.” This reporter confirmed that the rally used the old government building, 6 miles away from where the local government now meets.
OCT leaders were unavailable for further comment on this store, as they were busy putting together a CPAP group buy.