Open Carry Texas Activist Hospitalized

Dallas, TX – A leader of the local Open Carry Texas needed hospitalization after participating in a weekend rally.  T.J. Gershim suffered non-life threatening injuries after collapsing at the top of the stairs of the local municipal center, where the rally took place.

The Accident

Witnesses said that Gershim collapsed after ascending the 13 steps in front of the building.  “I seen him wheezing, when he wasn’t making a kind uh snortin sound” said fellow activist Billy Bob Billison.  “He done leaned on his Kel-Tec KSG, but then it broke and he felt onto it.”  Paramedics reported that Billison’s abdomen was pierced over 8″ deep by a part of the broken KSG, which was far short of penetrating into the abdominal cavity.  Only superficial lipid pockets were “damaged” by the fall.

Pretending to be military members, the others in OCT attempted to help by wrapping a makeshift tourniquet around the abdominal wound.  Others destroyed a nearby garden decoration to fashion a field expedient stretcher to carry out the injured man.  The stretcher collapsed before being lifted to carrying height.  “The tourniquet did more harm then the initial injury” said one paramedic.  “A tourniquet on an abdominal wound… I mean c’mon, even the Cub Scouts aren’t that fucking stupid!”

OpenCarryDouches

A History of Pain

This marks the fourth incident this year in which an Open Carry activist has required medical attention at a rally.  Last month at a local coffee shop, one activist demanded emergency care after sitting near the window too long.  He claimed to have experienced second degree burns from the sunlight on his basement-white skin.  A lawsuit is still pending in that case, claiming negligence against the coffee shop’s owners.  The plaintiff alleges that “they should know that sunlight is harmful to people like me.  My mom knows to keep the curtains shut during the day, so should they!”

Weapons of War

Many bystanders feel that the Open Carry movement is a hostile organization.  Members openly handle and point their weapons around while walking through peaceful places.  “We got Kimbers and Kel-Tecs and Diamondbacks, and any number of Kaniks, too.  Some even spend the extra money to buy Glocks and stuff” one activist said.  He pointed to a few of his many accessories, including an Uncle Mike’s holster zip-tied to his webbed belt.

Others feel differently.  “My husband pissed himself when he saw those assault rifles outside the store” said Beverly Crimm.  “He’s been struggling to beat the new Battlefield game, and seeing those same rifles really affected him.”  Mrs. Crimm worries that she’ll have to pay the entire piss cleaning fee herself.

Opposing Views

Hiram Wilmot, prior Gulf War veteran had this to say about OCT “Look at these idiots trying to play Army. All of them to fat or dumb to actually enlist. Bet these dumb asses would have a lot “flat feet” or be conscious objectors if there was draft today; fucking pussies. They wanna run around trying to be SEALS when they are more WALRUS. Who the hell goes to get coffee carrying an AR-15? I really wanna take that rifle and shove it up ol’ Bubbah’s ass. “

Legislative Response

“We’re not aware of any significant rally” said a local representative.  “I heard that some people showed up outside the old government building, but that’s been closed for 23 years.”  This reporter confirmed that the rally used the old government building, 6 miles away from where the local government now meets.

OCT leaders were unavailable for further comment on this store, as they were busy putting together a CPAP group buy.

Nom de Plume

Started shooting guns with my daddy. Shoot a lot of guns now. Hope to teach my grandson how to shoot one day.

  • 175jfs

    FAKE NEWS FOLKS. SATIRE.

    • Carl Childers

      you seem really stupid. Fake news and satire aren’t the same thing, Einstein

      • 175jfs

        Ask me if I give a shit what you think junior.

        • Rballz

          I’d like to hear it!

      • Riddick_The_Furion

        You seem to be even stupider. Fake news is satire as satire is fake news. That’s why the fake news sites are also known as satire sites. Your limited mind has confused propaganda with satirical fake news stories. Now don’t you feel like a complete moron, Einstein? Calling someone stupid when your contention is completely wrong makes you asshole as well as dumb.

        • Rballz

          Riddick!

        • AGG

          So CNN is satire? Is that your argument? Because that’s a really stupid argument. I mean, it’s not as stupid as your other argument, though, so maybe you’ll say this is your argument, as a way of pivoting into a slightly less (but still very) stupid argument? Your call.

          • Rballz

            SHUT UP ALEX

          • Riddick_The_Furion

            What the heck are you babbling about? What argument are talking about? And who said anything about CNN? Are you high or just ignorant? “SO CNN IS SATIRE?” Moron!

          • AGG

            My apologies. I’ll break it down into more easily understood elements for you.
            Your statement “Fake news is satire as satire is fake news” makes a logical argument (logical in the sense that is uses logical structures. I’m not saying that it is rich in logic). Broken down, your statement essentially is that “fake news = satire. Satire = fake news.” With me so far?

            Alright, so satirical news could maybe be considered “fake news” in the most literal sense, sure. But, you should know that the definition of satire very clearly connotes a specific purpose (see here: https://goo.gl/dvcCEg). That’s called a hyperlink. You can use it to go places on the internet.
            However, if you’re using “fake news” in the same way that Trump uses it, which is to say media outlets that are trying to harm him by intentionally reporting events while claiming to be a legitimate news source, then you’re off the mark. With that common usage today, you’re definition of “fake news = satire. Satire = fake news” falls apart.

            Please, stop me if I’m going to fast for you. I can break this down more elementary if you need it, maybe.

            This brings us to my previous question to you: “So CNN is satire?”. If your argument was that satire and fake news are the same thing, and CNN is the poster-child of fake news, then you must also agree your argument is that CNN is satire. Here’s another way to write that: CNN = fake news = satire, therefore CNN = satire. That’s called the Transitive Property of Equality. You can learn more about it here (another hyperlink, wow!): https://goo.gl/Dp3NnC.

            So you can see quite clearly that it was in fact YOUR argument that leads to the conclusion that CNN is satire. A very odd conclusion, indeed!

            This Feed Ramp site actually is satire, though.

    • Richard Holland

      The Folks are informed!

    • Matt

      Which one? It can be fake twisted news, or it can be satire. Satire isn’t news, it’s entertainment. I bet you think sex and gender are the same thing, too.

      • 175jfs

        Troll elsewhere junior.

        • Matt

          I am clearly not trolling. fake news = cnn. satire = the onion or duffelblog. Clearly not the same thing. This is obviously satire. Even the guy they’re making fun of posted it on his facebook so we could all laugh at it.

  • Thomas Mandell

    Stupid ass satire page

    • Carl Childers

      pretty funny if you ask me

    • Richard Holland

      You are very smart.

  • Ricky Moore II

    I don’t know if this is fake news or satire. Either way it’s a complete fabrication.

    • Scott Thompson

      You are sharp as a tack.

  • Ryan

    A serious question to the author is when’s the last time you were actually politically involved? And no giving money to ad spamming NRA doesn’t count cochise. I’m aware of this a (terrible) satire page, but to actively go after a group is personal. It’s pathetic really. Go after an anti gun group but then I guess you wouldn’t have the balls. You’d rather cut down people on your own side because you’re a cuck.

    • James

      Open carry activists are actively doing more damage to the 2nd ammendment daily. These blubbering fucktards carrying their 1980s sks, turn far more against the cause than bring people over. They perpetuate the dipshit hillbilly gun owner stereotypes. Fuck them.

      • Ryan

        If you’re saying that then you have no idea why they carried their rifles in the first place. Your ignorance speaks volumes. They’ve done more in 4 years for the 2nd amendment* than the NRA has done since permitted carry was passed in 1995.

        • Scott Thompson

          More damage.

          • Ryan

            Prove it. Without evidence the claims of “They’re damaging the 2nd amendment movement” are bunk. They were the catalyst for the push for gun legislation in Texas. Period.

          • Scott Thompson

            Lets discuss what happened because of the OC folks in California.

          • AGG

            What happened because of OC folks in California?

        • Scott Thompson
      • Carter Braxton

        From someone who’s don’t nothing to further gun rights. If Open Carry Texas was doing so much to “damage the 2nd ammendment [sic]” then why were we able to get open carry passed the first legislative session since their founding. We also got campus carry. In just 18 months of OCT existence, we got more pro-gun laws passed than the entire preceding 20 years.

        Perhaps you should just stay on your couch and leave the fighting to people actually making a difference. You make a better armchair quarterback than a 2nd amendment running back.

        • Scott Thompson

          You are very presumptuous. It isn’t necessary to walk around with an SKS slung to support the 2nd. You actually look like a fool .

    • AGG

      Looks like they do “have the balls” to which you referred earlier. LOL!

      http://thefeedramp.com/moms-demand-action-member-arrested-lying-atf-form-4473/

      • Ryan

        Making fun of Mom’s demand is the equivalent to beating up a quadruple amputee who’s blind and mute.

        I’m talking about sacrificing time, energy, and money going to state capitals talking to state reps for and against and talking to the media people on the street handing out pocket constitutions. Until they’ve done that. They have no room to talk.

        • AGG

          And if they’ve done that, THEN will you shut up?

          • Ryan

            No but I’ll say good job fuckers now you’ve contributed to the cause. Now you can fuck off about whatever you want. 🖒

          • AGG

            You seem angry.
            Is that the kind of anger that helps or hurts our fight for 2A rights?

          • Ryan

            No it’s the justified frustration from dealing with ignorant morons who think they know what’s going on, but have no idea. If most gun people weren’t lazy and were educated on issues we wouldn’t need advocacy groups.

  • Valerie Finnigan

    I know one of the folks this article skewers, and he’s actually amused by the fun had at his expense.

    • AGG

      OMG there are still reasonable and intelligent people in the world with a sense of humor? YAY!!!