Sheep Dog Leaves Grocery Store Line Without Killing a Single Lunatic

Penile, Kentucky – Bart Munger, 22, says he was inspired to gear up for some grocery store killing after seeing an inspiring meme on Facebook.

“I seen this news picture goin’ around, the ones people make to explain facts and news, means I think they call them”

Munger was referring to the following meme penned by Nebraska shooter Brian Cerny:

“I stand behind you in line at the store with a smile on my face…and a gun under my shirt and you are none the wiser, yet you are safer for having me next to you. I won’t shoot you. My gun won’t pull it’s own trigger. It is securely holstered with the trigger covered. It can’t just go off. However, rest assured that if a lunatic walks into the grocery store and pulls out a rifle, I will draw my pistol and protect myself and my family and therefore protect you and your family. I may freeze up. I may piss my pants. I may get shot before I can pull the trigger…but, I won’t die in a helpless blubbering heap on the floor begging for my life or my child’s life. I won’t be that victim. I choose not to be. As for you, I don’t ask you to carry a gun. If you are not comfortable, then please don’t. But I would like to keep my right to choose to not be a helpless victim. There is evil in the world and if evil has a gun, I want one too…”

I read that and thought “That’s me” explained Munger.  Ever since then I’ve been going to the store 3 times a day so I can kill lunatics!

Munger insists that he has put a “fuck load of hard work and time” into getting the chance to kill lunatic criminals.

“I stand in the grocery line with my Diamond Back DB9 properly concealed, absorbing my pork rind induced sweat and not a single robbery or rape to stop.  It’s almost like I’m wasting my fuckin time here.  I just want to legally murder some lunatics!” continued Munger.

Munger explains he even got himself a “drop wallet” so he would be ready to cause “a motherfuckin’ tactical distraction”.

“Yah, they want your wallet, you just throw the fake drop wallet on the ground while you draw and light the fucker up” Munger explained further.

The problem?  No lunatics have presented themselves for a good killin’

Munger wonders if perhaps he should be going to Chicago grocery stores.  Chicago has a high crime rate and you are likely to be killed going to the store.

“Maybe I’m playing it too safe.  I haven’t seen a single person lugging a rifle in my local Whole Foods.  I’m thinking about moving my family to Chicago”

Apparently Munger’s family did not want to move to Chicago.  That didn’t change Munger’s mind.

“I dont want to play a victim and shit.  I want to be the guy saving lives.  To do that I have to go find the evil.  I’m a fucking Free Mason.  A Templar Knight.  I am the black guy from Equalizer and the movie where that little kid swims and is kidnippered by them mexicans”.  Munger continued that he was more than ready to put some “thug motherfuckers in a pine overcoat”.

armor changes warriors dont

When asked why not just join the military if he wanted to kill bad guys Munger explained “Nah man..you can’t smoke weed there and I ain’t exercising for no mother fucker man..”

Munger had to “hit the Bass Pro range” to “put a box through his blaster” before we could ask any more questions.  Munger was ready to train.

“I gotta put a box through the D-Back then hit Krav Maga class.  Today may be the day.  Sends thoughts and prayers”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Carl Childers

    This is some bullshit. Not erry one looking to pop a mutha fukka.

    • Cymond

      The word you’re looking for is “satire”.

      Or perhaps you’re the true master of satire.

      • Rballz

        Well Said!