Clovis, New Mexico – Every year, New Mexico is home to the annual “Gunsmith’s Paradise Single Stack Championship” where 1911 shooters from across the US congregate to deny that their gun has ever had a malfunction. The match is usually sponsored by Utah-based gunsmith Bubba’s Firearms, Midway (who often brings two sales tents: one for parts that are frequently lost, the other for parts that are frequently broken), and Viagra. GPSS has often been applauded for its top-notch logistics and amenities such as: on-site gunsmiths, a “decent magazine” rental tent, and a coin-operated lube dispenser. This year’s post-match festivities are even rumored to include a “poly slam night,” and a presentation by renowned speaker and psychiatrist Betta Lynde: “Anti-1911 Memes: how to go along with the joke, or simply ignore them and move on.”
Tempers flared this year, as Stage 3 – “Major is the ONLY Power Factor” began with an unloaded start and a 4-target array. For those who aren’t familiar with the 1911 design (praised as revolutionary by pre-WWI hobbyists), this forces the shooters into persistent lock-backs during a stage – a condition which USPSA does not specifically prohibit, but frowns sternly upon because it resembles IDPA. What started as some innocuous eye rolling amongst the usually mellow crowd of narrow-minded traditionalists, grew into full-blown mild discontent as B-Class shooter Dan Kathers ambled down range and pushed the first target over.
The violence escalated as range officers attempted to intervene, when a second, unidentified septuagenarian poked the range officer in the chest with his index finger, politely but firmly stating that “Production friendly ISN’T Single Stack friendly.“
Witness reports tell us that by the time the Match Director’s golf cart motored up to Stage 3, total chaos had erupted, and a waiting squad had also joined the lethargic melee. “People were standing around, talking and gesticulating, paying no attention to the RO’s commands, or attempts to restore order.” Range Officer Otis Parton told us from his chair in the medical tent afterwards.
Range Officers were called from other stages to help organize the outraged group of aging match participants, but didn’t arrive before a second target had been defaced a with well-worded complaint to the Match Director. One particularly angry protestor – clearly trying to make a statement – dropped an 8-round Cobra Mag to the ground and kicked it.
“Well… it’s quite inconvenient, you know… and not really very nice.” A-Class shooter Gus Watson spat into the microphone of FeedRamp correspondents, “…in fact, I might have to go home and… practice those a bit more.” he continued venomously.
The riot was finally brought under control when one quick-thinking spouse started playing re-runs of Matlock on her newfangled-flat-computer-
The visibly shaken Match Director, who chose to remain anonymous, has confessed: “We had no emergency plan in place to deal with this. I’ve never seen anything like it. We’re gonna get terrible reviews and nobody’ll come back next year.” It is rumored that he was last seen recovering from his psychological injuries at the local Village Inn, where the coffee is bottomless and the cute Sunday morning waitress gives him a $0.50 discount on pie.