USPSA competitor disqualified after yoga mat found in his range bag.

Old Doubletree, PA: Panic gripped squad 9 deep in the throes of the frigid Trans-New England Section match earlier this month when B-Class Limited-10 hero Justin Sanderling noticed an anomaly at the safe table on the north end of the Antilaundry Rod & Pistol club.

“I was on my way to fix my M&P’s trigger– first time this match– when I noticed a weird, dirty, rolled-up brass mat sticking out of a range bag someone left on the table,” recounts Sanderling.  “It wasn’t until I got close, and the smell made it hard to breathe, that I realized it wasn’t a brass mat at all.”

Alarmed AND disgusted

Sanderling hurried to the club’s field house and alerted the match director, demanding that the responsible party be disqualified for gaining a competitive advantage by opening his (or her) third-eye chakra[1]. After a brief huddle and a brave trip to the crime scene, match officials picked through the bag and determined that the offending article was an unwashed Lululemon yoga mat. The abandoned range bag, they said, belonged to local barista Asher Beckett, who was brought forthwith to the registration table after he was found in the woods surrounding the range foraging for edible mushrooms instead of pasting targets.

Magic Mushrooms

“When I found out who it was, I wasn’t surprised,” chortled Sanderling. “Thankfully, the MD saw my position. Spiritual enlightenment comprises a significant competitive advantage. I’m not saying I don’t welcome the competition, but I’m glad they sent that weirdo to Dairy Queen.” With a hunch that the narrative ran deeper than a petty feud between two of the club’s four Limited 10 shooters, this reporter attempted to get Asher Beckett’s side of the story. Unfortunately, after following a trail of empty Grande Lattes several hundred yards to a clearing behind bay 5, Beckett was discovered frozen in a majestic warrior 1, and could not be reached for comment.

Valerio Armitage reporting for The Feed Ramp

[1] The rest of us have to make do with two!