USPSA NEWS! New Divisions, New Membership Cards

Burlington, WA – The familiar USPSA membership card will be getting a facelift this spring, as the card will be increased in size to accommodate a veritable waterfall of new, exclusive, and some say totally useless divisions.
If the US-based shooting organization continues to work towards its “participation ribbon” initiative, the future of the sport will eventually have a division for every type and brand of gun imaginable. These lofty ambitions come as the result of incessant whining from both members and sponsor companies alike.

Cornfuscia

Member Feedback
“If they aren’t bitching because they’re plastic, or have dumb ol’ iron sights… it’s because they don’t have enough ammo or some metal foreign gun is better than theirs.” USPSA spokeswoman Donna Brandon said in a statement issued on Thursday: “Confuscious say: ‘you can’t please all the people all the time…’ or something like that. We – at the most progressive shooting organization in the world – intend to prove him wrong.”

Here We Grow!
With more divisions, however, comes the responsibility to document them appropriately. The current card struggles to display classifications for 6 regular, and 2 red-headed step-divisions. By 2020 (when USPSA is expected to have more divisions than there are gender options), membership certifications will arrive in an 8.5″x 11″ legal sized envelope. Since the organization discourages the folding of membership documents for legibility reasons, a slight increase in membership dues will enable your new membership “cards” to be shipped with a clear plastic document envelope and a lanyard, so members may carry it on their person, or conveniently lash it to a range bag.

NEW DIVISIONS - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION - SECRET

To Tri-Fold and Beyond!
According to inside sources, a tri-fold pamphlet will do for now, simply forcing members to get a bigger wallet. Although it will be thicker than a credit card, the general consensus is that since most competitive shooters have no money left after their reloading supply purchases anyway, there will still be more than enough room to accommodate the slight change in dimension.

Special Correspondent Lorna for The Feed Ramp

  • Ron Sheremy

    Thanks for the heads-up. I sincerely hope they honor my petition for less lethal weapons. I would like a USPSA-sanctioned opportunity to train for extraction ops.

    • Rballz

      And dildo fight division!

  • MavusiKenpachi

    I’m still waiting for the “whiny bitch division” where they can, you guessed it, put all the whiny bitches so we can get on with enjoying the sport.

    • Rballz

      IDPA