Somewhere in Area 2, USPSA – Career D-Class shooter [name withheld, henceforth ambiguously referred to as “Pat“] was moved to C-Class this week, much to her shock and annoyance. “I logged on to renew my 5-Year membership, and had this BOMB dropped on me.” the persistently mediocre shooter complained as she sulkily stared at her 40.014% average. “I was ambushed – I never even saw this coming. It isn’t MY fault I blazed a classifier or two, was this really necessary?” Attempts to determine how badly this unforeseen event has traumatized the talent-less freeloader were useless – when asked if she’d ever entertained the thought of simply “improving” to a level commensurate with her new class, she dismissively replied, “pish posh, and fiddle faddle.”
D CLASS 4 LIFE
Historically speaking, D-Class trophies tend to be cooler and more useful than the run-of-the-mill high class trophies which are usually meant for showcasing one’s talents. Many, including Pat, clearly prefer a less extravagant prize table: “I got an engraved ice scraper in Nevada, once. Another time, I won a beer mug…you know, stuff I can USE. I mean, what am I gonna do with a shiny new gun I can’t even shoot very well, or magazines that actually work?” We contacted our on-staff match director, who had this to say: “I try to make sure my trophies send a clear message. For 1st Place D-Class, that message is: ‘don’t quit your day job’.”
With multiple D-Class titles and match wins under her surprisingly expensive and well-used belt, Pat enjoys her current place in the range dynamic – offering unsolicited amateur advice whenever possible, and helping new shooters slog through their first few matches since she also claims to be “pretty new as well.” Just as she felt she had finally cemented her role as a finely tuned representation of everything not to do, the C-Class guillotine fell. “I’m really doing a lot of good here, I can feel it.” she said during an exclusive on-the-range interview that took place while she should have probably been making a stage plan, “having more expected of me is really putting a dent in achieving what I’m truly capable of.”
A source close to the shooter spoke to us in confidence: “She’s the only person I’ve ever heard complain about going up a class… but then, she always was a bit of an idiot.”
Most people are familiar with the concept of Sandbagging and Grandbagging (sandbagging for the more advanced shooter), but a new trend within the industry is emerging: D-Bagging. The time honored tradition of remaining in a lower class to dominate the competition is a proven strategy, although most self-respecting shooters choose to hover in C or B-Class, where a persons failure to progress is actually believable. D-Bagging, on the other hand, doesn’t require any complicated calculations or selective match attendance to maintain your status as a barely-competent shooter. This makes it a much more attractive option to people who are too damn lazy to either practice, or engineer their own handicap. Critics of the D-Bagging practice often say that having to shoot against an obviously more experienced shooter is unfair to both new guys, and shooters who genuinely do still suck a little bit. Pat’s response to these criticisms is: “Hey… you’ve gotta play to your strengths… and for me, shooting just… isn’t… one of them.”
IT’S IN DOG’S HANDS NOW
Unfortunately, Pat’s legacy of unfettered access to “Very Best of The Very Worst” trophies may be coming to an end, pending the results of a decision from the USPSA board of directors. A petition has been filed, campaigning to return her to her previous class, citing that she’s a “conscientious objector” to the current classification system, and that it “unreasonably escalates people without first ascertaining their long-term shooting goals.” It is believed that Pat has plans to consistently under perform on classifiers, and collect DQ’s like Pokemon Cards in order to support her case. As of this writing, Pat continues to identify as D-Class – and will compete in club matches as such – until a formal decision has been reached.
Submitted by an anonymous female shooter who may have submitted stories to us before…
The cute patches found in the picture at the top of this article can be found here.